Motherhood
Sep. 2nd, 2022 12:00 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nimdreamsWritten September 2, 2022 and edited September 26, 2023
As a child I always expected to be a mother one day. Watching Gilmore Girls, I really wanted to have a daughter at a young age. The years passed and I was never in a relationship or in a mindset for a pregnancy. Going into my mid 20s, I wasn't going to be a young mother anymore. Still I thought that was what I wanted one day.
Then I got my autism diagnosis and I started to really think about what I am like and what I truly want. Did I want a child? Or did I /think/ I wanted a child? I was never interested in children, definitely not ready for one of my own. As I aged into my 30s it became clear to my husband and me that we likely would not have children. I don't think I want them anymore. When someone is pregnant, it hurts me, I do get jealous. But my health won't allow us to raise a child, the way we think a child deserves and human children aren't what I am interested in.
The hurt of someone being pregnant with a human child is nothing compared to my need for my own pups. I have always loved dogs more than humans, puppies more than babies. What I wish for is to carry my own litter, nurture them and teach them and see them move out into the world as they grow up. When I imagine my own pups, they are Golden Retrievers. Small blind balls of cream fur. I feel awkward and exposed sharing how much I want this, how I want to lick them clean and pick them up gently with my teeth. I want to rest in a pile of softly breathing woofers that are my own.
Having a dogson alleviates some of this craving. He is not the right breed, but unfortunately we cannot take care of a big breed. I don't get to mother over him as much, as he is already 8 years old and a father himself. We didn't get him as a puppy, I didn't get to fulfill my mothering needs. Having him around is wonderful though. I recognize so much of myself in him. I still get to teach him little things.
I hope to one day get a puppy again and though I won't be able to treat him as my own, as in this human body that is not possible, and would be confusing to the pup as he'll see me as human (the thought of which is painful enough), I think that will help with some of my need for my own pups. Perhaps if I am healthy enough again one day and the stars align, I'll even be able to have a mother dog and go through the process of pregnancy, birth and raising pups vicariously through her. I am not sure how painful that would be or if it would feel euphoric, but it seems like a wonderful and warm idea.
As a child I always expected to be a mother one day. Watching Gilmore Girls, I really wanted to have a daughter at a young age. The years passed and I was never in a relationship or in a mindset for a pregnancy. Going into my mid 20s, I wasn't going to be a young mother anymore. Still I thought that was what I wanted one day.
Then I got my autism diagnosis and I started to really think about what I am like and what I truly want. Did I want a child? Or did I /think/ I wanted a child? I was never interested in children, definitely not ready for one of my own. As I aged into my 30s it became clear to my husband and me that we likely would not have children. I don't think I want them anymore. When someone is pregnant, it hurts me, I do get jealous. But my health won't allow us to raise a child, the way we think a child deserves and human children aren't what I am interested in.
The hurt of someone being pregnant with a human child is nothing compared to my need for my own pups. I have always loved dogs more than humans, puppies more than babies. What I wish for is to carry my own litter, nurture them and teach them and see them move out into the world as they grow up. When I imagine my own pups, they are Golden Retrievers. Small blind balls of cream fur. I feel awkward and exposed sharing how much I want this, how I want to lick them clean and pick them up gently with my teeth. I want to rest in a pile of softly breathing woofers that are my own.
Having a dogson alleviates some of this craving. He is not the right breed, but unfortunately we cannot take care of a big breed. I don't get to mother over him as much, as he is already 8 years old and a father himself. We didn't get him as a puppy, I didn't get to fulfill my mothering needs. Having him around is wonderful though. I recognize so much of myself in him. I still get to teach him little things.
I hope to one day get a puppy again and though I won't be able to treat him as my own, as in this human body that is not possible, and would be confusing to the pup as he'll see me as human (the thought of which is painful enough), I think that will help with some of my need for my own pups. Perhaps if I am healthy enough again one day and the stars align, I'll even be able to have a mother dog and go through the process of pregnancy, birth and raising pups vicariously through her. I am not sure how painful that would be or if it would feel euphoric, but it seems like a wonderful and warm idea.
