To Human Or Not To Human
Oct. 20th, 2024 12:00 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nimdreams(Mentions of NSWF stuff)
Hi everyone, it's been a while. I took a break from the community and social media for a month or so. This break has made it incredibly clear to me, that how I was focused on my alterhumanity and questioning my identity was actually really unhealthy. Since joining the community in April 2018, I haven't stopped questioning one thing or another and I was obsessed. I would think about it all day, write my thoughts down in my journal every day, and a lot of identities kept following one another in an endless loop. I was pushing humanity so far away, I saw myself as physically nonhuman too, and was always looking for what would finally click for me.
I've taken time off lots of times before, but this time was different because for the first time I found a way to get out of my head and just be and exist and experience. In my time off, I have been focused on other things, I started gaming again and I became more involved in BDSM. That last thing really helped me focus on something else for once, because it has also led to a lot of self realization and self reflection, just like alterhumanity does for me, but in such a different way. Instead of fantasizing it all in my head like I do with alterhumanity, I was able to just live in the moment. And doing that has given me a new sense of self. More real than before.
When I was young, I didn't really identify as anything, I was just a young kid. Then around age 9, I started to identify as an elf and this lasted until about age 20. I never told anyone about identifying as an elf, nor was it a major part of my life. It's just what I was, and I knew what kind of elf I was, daydreamed about my adventures, was interested in learning about other elves and got Elvish tattoos as a young adult. But then in my 20s, I started to feel like I had to "grow up" and pushed my identity away and forced a human self image onto myself. I looked at what was nice and positive about being human and suppressed feeling anything else. In my 20s, my health steadily declined until I was severely chronically ill. I got a lot of different medical diagnoses and eventually an autism diagnosis, which led me to an autism amino which led to a therian amino and me joining the community. I felt like I could finally truly be myself again, that I had found my community and I never felt as understood before.
It took me a moment to remember the full scope of my elven identity. Last year, I coined anteatype with the help of a friend, for my elf self. So many times I have gone back and looked at myself through elven eyes, but elf just isn't me anymore. I cannot find it within me. I cannot connect to it anymore. Something that I was without effort, without trying, is gone now. Sometimes I will try on the label again, because I just want things to be like they were when I was young, but maybe that is common for people with anteatypes, to feel some nostalgia.
When I joined the community though, I was so sure of being nonhuman. That if I looked and looked, I'd find it eventually. Well it has been 6,5 years now and I still don't feel certain about anything. Other alterhumans do see me as nonhuman, they see the elfae in me still, they see a unicorn, or the fox I have so often represented myself as. And I do believe I experience some nonhumanity, as animal-hearted and as a shapeshifter, but lately I have been feeling... human. And kinda being okay with that. Which is a big difference from when I was adamant I was fully and completely and always nonhuman. I have been considering that I am otherhuman instead of otherkin. It is still possible that I do find a kintype eventually, that I am an otherkin who partially identifies as human and partially as nonhuman, but for some reason it feels like all or nothing for me. Either I am human and learn to embrace it, or I am nonhuman. I guess that thinking is just too black and white, and truly, for now it doesn't matter. I am going to call myself simply alterhuman for a while and stop trying to force myself into a label. I am just going to let myself experience what I do, when I do, without making it into anything, and I am going to stop pushing my own humanity away so harshly.
I don't know how active I'll be from now on, maybe a little less as I don't want to become obsessed again. Seeing people with identities similar to those I have tried on, makes me doubt myself a lot of the time. I need some more time to feel confidence in my own journey and my own self and not be as affected by what other people write. I need to let go of the images I create about myself in my mind, these masks that I try on. Because each mask contains some truth and real experiences, but also some fantasies and make believe that I don't even realize I am doing. Yeah, I want to just exist and be and live, which I know is always highly recommended when trying to find your 'type, but has been a lot harder to actually do. I am actively trying not to question anymore, and for now, every time I do find myself going there again I will take a firm step back. So expect more breaks in the time to come.
Thanks for reading, hope you're well ♡
Hi everyone, it's been a while. I took a break from the community and social media for a month or so. This break has made it incredibly clear to me, that how I was focused on my alterhumanity and questioning my identity was actually really unhealthy. Since joining the community in April 2018, I haven't stopped questioning one thing or another and I was obsessed. I would think about it all day, write my thoughts down in my journal every day, and a lot of identities kept following one another in an endless loop. I was pushing humanity so far away, I saw myself as physically nonhuman too, and was always looking for what would finally click for me.
I've taken time off lots of times before, but this time was different because for the first time I found a way to get out of my head and just be and exist and experience. In my time off, I have been focused on other things, I started gaming again and I became more involved in BDSM. That last thing really helped me focus on something else for once, because it has also led to a lot of self realization and self reflection, just like alterhumanity does for me, but in such a different way. Instead of fantasizing it all in my head like I do with alterhumanity, I was able to just live in the moment. And doing that has given me a new sense of self. More real than before.
When I was young, I didn't really identify as anything, I was just a young kid. Then around age 9, I started to identify as an elf and this lasted until about age 20. I never told anyone about identifying as an elf, nor was it a major part of my life. It's just what I was, and I knew what kind of elf I was, daydreamed about my adventures, was interested in learning about other elves and got Elvish tattoos as a young adult. But then in my 20s, I started to feel like I had to "grow up" and pushed my identity away and forced a human self image onto myself. I looked at what was nice and positive about being human and suppressed feeling anything else. In my 20s, my health steadily declined until I was severely chronically ill. I got a lot of different medical diagnoses and eventually an autism diagnosis, which led me to an autism amino which led to a therian amino and me joining the community. I felt like I could finally truly be myself again, that I had found my community and I never felt as understood before.
It took me a moment to remember the full scope of my elven identity. Last year, I coined anteatype with the help of a friend, for my elf self. So many times I have gone back and looked at myself through elven eyes, but elf just isn't me anymore. I cannot find it within me. I cannot connect to it anymore. Something that I was without effort, without trying, is gone now. Sometimes I will try on the label again, because I just want things to be like they were when I was young, but maybe that is common for people with anteatypes, to feel some nostalgia.
When I joined the community though, I was so sure of being nonhuman. That if I looked and looked, I'd find it eventually. Well it has been 6,5 years now and I still don't feel certain about anything. Other alterhumans do see me as nonhuman, they see the elfae in me still, they see a unicorn, or the fox I have so often represented myself as. And I do believe I experience some nonhumanity, as animal-hearted and as a shapeshifter, but lately I have been feeling... human. And kinda being okay with that. Which is a big difference from when I was adamant I was fully and completely and always nonhuman. I have been considering that I am otherhuman instead of otherkin. It is still possible that I do find a kintype eventually, that I am an otherkin who partially identifies as human and partially as nonhuman, but for some reason it feels like all or nothing for me. Either I am human and learn to embrace it, or I am nonhuman. I guess that thinking is just too black and white, and truly, for now it doesn't matter. I am going to call myself simply alterhuman for a while and stop trying to force myself into a label. I am just going to let myself experience what I do, when I do, without making it into anything, and I am going to stop pushing my own humanity away so harshly.
I don't know how active I'll be from now on, maybe a little less as I don't want to become obsessed again. Seeing people with identities similar to those I have tried on, makes me doubt myself a lot of the time. I need some more time to feel confidence in my own journey and my own self and not be as affected by what other people write. I need to let go of the images I create about myself in my mind, these masks that I try on. Because each mask contains some truth and real experiences, but also some fantasies and make believe that I don't even realize I am doing. Yeah, I want to just exist and be and live, which I know is always highly recommended when trying to find your 'type, but has been a lot harder to actually do. I am actively trying not to question anymore, and for now, every time I do find myself going there again I will take a firm step back. So expect more breaks in the time to come.
Thanks for reading, hope you're well ♡
