Lost connection
Jul. 17th, 2024 12:00 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nimdreamsOne of the stories my parents would tell me about my brother and me (both autistic) is when we were both toddlers. When they would put my brother in the garden on a blanket, he'd go to the sides and touch the sand and dirt and with a repulsed face go to the middle of the blanket. He probably didn't like the texture of it. When they did the same with me as a toddler, I grabbed handfuls of dirt and started eating it.
As a child, I was obsessed with animals and followed them anywhere. Also, my mother often lost me in crowds and busy places, where I would find small spaces to hide away in. These things now feel very fae to me, so I wanted to mention them even if it is a bit of a sidetrack.
When I was young and lived with my parents, we went on vacation multiple times a year. We would go camping all over Europe and we'd be in the most beautiful nature, going on long hikes every day. It has been over a decade since I have been able to go on such a vacation. I haven't even been able to leave my apartment in a big city for the last month.
And that is what I wanted to talk about. I feel like I was such a fae child. I felt SO connected to nature and animals. When I started to identify as an elf, it was as a woodelf, a nature elf. But as my health worsened, my time in nature stopped, and the connection I feel now feels fake. Like something only left in my mind and heart, and not something I actively participate in anymore.
I have been thinking about this a lot. If what and who I am in my imagination is enough. If my connection to nature is real, if I can't pursue it if I don't actually do anything for it. To be honest, most of my life is imagination now. As I lie here, locked in my apartment, locked in this broken body. Day after day is the same, a struggle to get through. My imagination is what keeps me going. My dreams at night and the adventures I go on, my magical abilties, and social interactions I have in them are what keeps me going.
Is this enough to be fae? As my connection to the moon and stars and dreams is so much stronger now than my connection to the earth's nature.
As a child, I was obsessed with animals and followed them anywhere. Also, my mother often lost me in crowds and busy places, where I would find small spaces to hide away in. These things now feel very fae to me, so I wanted to mention them even if it is a bit of a sidetrack.
When I was young and lived with my parents, we went on vacation multiple times a year. We would go camping all over Europe and we'd be in the most beautiful nature, going on long hikes every day. It has been over a decade since I have been able to go on such a vacation. I haven't even been able to leave my apartment in a big city for the last month.
And that is what I wanted to talk about. I feel like I was such a fae child. I felt SO connected to nature and animals. When I started to identify as an elf, it was as a woodelf, a nature elf. But as my health worsened, my time in nature stopped, and the connection I feel now feels fake. Like something only left in my mind and heart, and not something I actively participate in anymore.
I have been thinking about this a lot. If what and who I am in my imagination is enough. If my connection to nature is real, if I can't pursue it if I don't actually do anything for it. To be honest, most of my life is imagination now. As I lie here, locked in my apartment, locked in this broken body. Day after day is the same, a struggle to get through. My imagination is what keeps me going. My dreams at night and the adventures I go on, my magical abilties, and social interactions I have in them are what keeps me going.
Is this enough to be fae? As my connection to the moon and stars and dreams is so much stronger now than my connection to the earth's nature.
