Instability
Jul. 10th, 2024 12:00 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nimdreamsThe instability in identity continues. I think I have more identity flickers than I realized at first, and now I am trying to figure them out and how to set them apart from my shapeshifting identity. The feeling of being elfae, and physically fae has faded again. I am not sure in how far I see my body as physically nonhuman, but when I try to see it as nothing but human, having all this pain and things wrong with it, that just doesn't feel good. So for now I try to focus on something else.
My foxness is all encompassing again. I see all my other shapeshifted forms through a fox's eyes. Rabbit? Just the mask of a rabbit and the face of a fox underneath. I have also been referring to myself as a fox a lot while talking with a friend and it feels extremely euphoric. It seems like maybe what I am is a vulpine nonhuman, and the exact identity rotates between a few, like identity flickers. I still hope one of these identities becomes more prominent and more stable, so I can have it as a kintype while the others float around it in different gradations.
Dogs and leporids, I have put on hearted. I take their forms often as a shapeshifter, and I do have some therianthropic experiences for them, but in the end I just don't see myself AS them. I wish I was a leporid though, I find them so interesting and magical. For dogs, yes I do still experience everything that can lead to using the therian label, but I have come to the conclusion for myself that just because the therian label could apply, doesn't mean it does. I see myself surrounded by dogs, see myself as their close family, and feel incredibly lucky to have them in my life, but I am a fox next to them. Even when I take the form of a dog, I am not myself a true dog. Though it makes me happy to identify as them sometimes, to feel so close to them, at the moment I feel content with them being an identity flicker.
And so, I am back to being a fox only, but with many different labels within that. I am still completely open to being polykin, unlike previously when I would put other identities on non-kin labels, just so I would have only the one 'type. This time changing labels is of my own choice, of what fits nicely for me, instead of me forcing things away.
There is a side to my foxness I am focusing on right now. One that is similar to how I have identified before, but with new labels. I am taking some time to figure it out, think about it, see what noemata come up. I want to first see how well this identity holds up before I share more about it. Time will tell which of my fox identities are kintypes, which are flickers and which are paratypes. I am happy to be on this journey though.
My foxness is all encompassing again. I see all my other shapeshifted forms through a fox's eyes. Rabbit? Just the mask of a rabbit and the face of a fox underneath. I have also been referring to myself as a fox a lot while talking with a friend and it feels extremely euphoric. It seems like maybe what I am is a vulpine nonhuman, and the exact identity rotates between a few, like identity flickers. I still hope one of these identities becomes more prominent and more stable, so I can have it as a kintype while the others float around it in different gradations.
Dogs and leporids, I have put on hearted. I take their forms often as a shapeshifter, and I do have some therianthropic experiences for them, but in the end I just don't see myself AS them. I wish I was a leporid though, I find them so interesting and magical. For dogs, yes I do still experience everything that can lead to using the therian label, but I have come to the conclusion for myself that just because the therian label could apply, doesn't mean it does. I see myself surrounded by dogs, see myself as their close family, and feel incredibly lucky to have them in my life, but I am a fox next to them. Even when I take the form of a dog, I am not myself a true dog. Though it makes me happy to identify as them sometimes, to feel so close to them, at the moment I feel content with them being an identity flicker.
And so, I am back to being a fox only, but with many different labels within that. I am still completely open to being polykin, unlike previously when I would put other identities on non-kin labels, just so I would have only the one 'type. This time changing labels is of my own choice, of what fits nicely for me, instead of me forcing things away.
There is a side to my foxness I am focusing on right now. One that is similar to how I have identified before, but with new labels. I am taking some time to figure it out, think about it, see what noemata come up. I want to first see how well this identity holds up before I share more about it. Time will tell which of my fox identities are kintypes, which are flickers and which are paratypes. I am happy to be on this journey though.
