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nimdreamsThis post is about what happened yesterday, but I felt too insecure to immediately write about it. I do want to though, because perhaps others have similar experiences and I want to show that it is okay.
At this point, at age 35 and 6 years into being in the community, I feel like I have a good general sense of my alterhumanity. I don't have a lot of new experiences, but some of them seem to come and go now and again. The thing that I have been focused most on, is to find the right labels to cover my experiences and feelings. I don't really know why I find that so important, but I can't (yet) seem to stop trying. This time around, I thought I had it. Instead of trying to push everything under one label, I have embraced multiple, with reasons behind each of them, so it seemed to me that I had all my bases covered. But then yesterday my genderfluidity hit me and my gender moved away from astrumgender to something like princessgender. I didn't mind that incredibly much. I had hoped to become stable in that as well, because I felt so happy with my pronouns. Now my pronouns are up in the air for a while (please use what you are comfortable using for me or use my name) and with that move away from stars I suddenly realized; my alterhuman feelings around stars were gone too. My Vulpecula identity is a combination of my foxself and starself, but the star part was gone. I don't know how to explain it, how does it even feel to identify or not, but there is either something there, or not. I thought that wouldn't happen anymore, because my current labels, I thought, were based on experiences and not on feelings anyway.. and I guess that is right for the other ones, just not for the feeling of "star". However, with my Vulpecula identity switching into a fox identity only, I looked at my other labels and found I didn't feel voidling at all yesterday either. It made me panick a little, but I told myself this could just be a temporary hiccup. Maybe I didn't need to feel like I was something, to be it, and I do agree with that to some extent for my dogself or hareself. With my kintypes though, I felt like I wanted to let them go. This doesn't mean I don't still experience the things that fall under these labels, I just don't want to label them in this same way currently. For voidling, every noema is still a dream I have had, I just don't know if it is fully part of my *identity*, and I don't think it really has to be. I have tried to label my dreamself and those experiences so many times, but when I try too hard I put pressure on my dreams, and they don't feel as free and full of possibilities as they do when I don't.
So for now, I use fae for how I see myself physically, golden retriever therian for my dog experiences and identity, and European hare folcintera. I am also a fox and shapeshifter, but those are non-specified labels for now, that I will probably look into to see how I can fit them in, but really maybe they should just be vaguetypes.
Perhaps I let myself be guided by feelings over experiences too much. Maybe I will reapply the labels of voidling and Vulpecula as soon as I feel them again. I don't know. This is just how fluid I am, how unbound I let myself be. I take it day by day and from an outside perspective I might seem unstable in identity or undecided, but really I am just over-focused on finding the perfect labels.
At this point, at age 35 and 6 years into being in the community, I feel like I have a good general sense of my alterhumanity. I don't have a lot of new experiences, but some of them seem to come and go now and again. The thing that I have been focused most on, is to find the right labels to cover my experiences and feelings. I don't really know why I find that so important, but I can't (yet) seem to stop trying. This time around, I thought I had it. Instead of trying to push everything under one label, I have embraced multiple, with reasons behind each of them, so it seemed to me that I had all my bases covered. But then yesterday my genderfluidity hit me and my gender moved away from astrumgender to something like princessgender. I didn't mind that incredibly much. I had hoped to become stable in that as well, because I felt so happy with my pronouns. Now my pronouns are up in the air for a while (please use what you are comfortable using for me or use my name) and with that move away from stars I suddenly realized; my alterhuman feelings around stars were gone too. My Vulpecula identity is a combination of my foxself and starself, but the star part was gone. I don't know how to explain it, how does it even feel to identify or not, but there is either something there, or not. I thought that wouldn't happen anymore, because my current labels, I thought, were based on experiences and not on feelings anyway.. and I guess that is right for the other ones, just not for the feeling of "star". However, with my Vulpecula identity switching into a fox identity only, I looked at my other labels and found I didn't feel voidling at all yesterday either. It made me panick a little, but I told myself this could just be a temporary hiccup. Maybe I didn't need to feel like I was something, to be it, and I do agree with that to some extent for my dogself or hareself. With my kintypes though, I felt like I wanted to let them go. This doesn't mean I don't still experience the things that fall under these labels, I just don't want to label them in this same way currently. For voidling, every noema is still a dream I have had, I just don't know if it is fully part of my *identity*, and I don't think it really has to be. I have tried to label my dreamself and those experiences so many times, but when I try too hard I put pressure on my dreams, and they don't feel as free and full of possibilities as they do when I don't.
So for now, I use fae for how I see myself physically, golden retriever therian for my dog experiences and identity, and European hare folcintera. I am also a fox and shapeshifter, but those are non-specified labels for now, that I will probably look into to see how I can fit them in, but really maybe they should just be vaguetypes.
Perhaps I let myself be guided by feelings over experiences too much. Maybe I will reapply the labels of voidling and Vulpecula as soon as I feel them again. I don't know. This is just how fluid I am, how unbound I let myself be. I take it day by day and from an outside perspective I might seem unstable in identity or undecided, but really I am just over-focused on finding the perfect labels.
