Physically Nonhuman
Jun. 15th, 2024 12:00 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nimdreamsI hope it is okay for me to reply to this as the topic of physical identity seems to be sensitive, but I'd like to go into accepting being human, while still identifying physically nonhuman.
I started to identify as an elf when I was around 9 years old. I loved being an elf in secret, I had so much imagination of my wonderful elven life. When I was in my early 20s, however, I decided that it had been enough. I had thought I was nonhuman for long enough and it was time to accept being human and to identify that way. I started to suppress my nonhumanity, forgot about being an elf even for a couple years.
I was miserable. It was the darkest period in my life. But I did end up accepting so much about myself; about my chronically ill and disabled body, and about what my life was going to look like. I have accepted my humanity beside my nonhumanity.
When I got my autism diagnosis I decided to also accept my full true self. I joined the alterhuman community and started to look for my nonhuman identity again. Turns out it's not elf anymore, but I am still nonhuman. And eventually, yes, I do now even see my body as nonhuman. Nonhuman through disability, nonhuman through autism, nonhuman through my dreams. I am not spiritual, am an atheist and follow science, and yet at the same time, being nonhuman in body makes sense for me. It is how I see myself, something that used to be human sure, but isn't anymore. You won't be able to find anything nonhuman about me physically, so perhaps my body and how I see myself don't align for someone looking at me. I don't really need that anymore though, how I see and feel about myself is more important to me.
I am a nonhuman, who has funnily enough accepted their humanity, and still views themselves as physically nonhuman.
Sorry that this isn't very coherent and I feel unsure about talking about a sensitive topic, but I wanted to share my thoughts and story anyway.
I started to identify as an elf when I was around 9 years old. I loved being an elf in secret, I had so much imagination of my wonderful elven life. When I was in my early 20s, however, I decided that it had been enough. I had thought I was nonhuman for long enough and it was time to accept being human and to identify that way. I started to suppress my nonhumanity, forgot about being an elf even for a couple years.
I was miserable. It was the darkest period in my life. But I did end up accepting so much about myself; about my chronically ill and disabled body, and about what my life was going to look like. I have accepted my humanity beside my nonhumanity.
When I got my autism diagnosis I decided to also accept my full true self. I joined the alterhuman community and started to look for my nonhuman identity again. Turns out it's not elf anymore, but I am still nonhuman. And eventually, yes, I do now even see my body as nonhuman. Nonhuman through disability, nonhuman through autism, nonhuman through my dreams. I am not spiritual, am an atheist and follow science, and yet at the same time, being nonhuman in body makes sense for me. It is how I see myself, something that used to be human sure, but isn't anymore. You won't be able to find anything nonhuman about me physically, so perhaps my body and how I see myself don't align for someone looking at me. I don't really need that anymore though, how I see and feel about myself is more important to me.
I am a nonhuman, who has funnily enough accepted their humanity, and still views themselves as physically nonhuman.
Sorry that this isn't very coherent and I feel unsure about talking about a sensitive topic, but I wanted to share my thoughts and story anyway.
