I am nonhuman in my dreams
Mar. 12th, 2024 12:00 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nimdreamsI am on vacation right now, in Disneyland Paris with my family. The days are long and super busy, filled to the brim with activity and very little time for myself and stillness in my mind. During days like these, I don't have time to feel nonhuman, I don't have time to think about feeling nonhuman.
It reminds me of a time in my 20s when I stopped identifying as nonhuman, and focused on being human and my human life. During that time I was also too busy, no time to feel or think, ignoring my body, my boundaries, my intuition.
When this happens though.. I am still nonhuman in dreams. In my dreams I cast my magic. In my dreams, I hide behind a mask for humans, pretending I am one of them, but knowing the outcast that I am. In dreams I just know. In dreams I can act on my nonhuman instincts.
Sometimes when I am going past my limits particularly heavily, I will have feverish dreams where all there is, is the knowledge of being nonhuman. The feeling echoing through an empty hall that is my mind. Easily forgotten when I wake to another intense day.
I am chronically ill and my average normal days are incredibly empty. Devout of enrichment, my mind easily takes the simple path of repetition. Thinking about my nonhumanity over and over. Analyzing, not really my experiences, but my feelings and thoughts. Imagining what could be, what I could be and identities I could have. Sometimes that leads me down wrong paths and questioning the most random things. Or I take my actual experiences and brush through them till all the knots are out and I get a shining glimpse of what is underneath. Puzzle with the pieces of the feelings and experiences that seem to stay with me through everything I question, and try to see a picture in the blur that comes out.
Honestly, I prefer the wild days. The times where everything nonhuman seems to drop to an all time low. Where I easily forget I'm not human at all until I close my eyes for the day. When I am still nonhuman in my dreams.
It reminds me of a time in my 20s when I stopped identifying as nonhuman, and focused on being human and my human life. During that time I was also too busy, no time to feel or think, ignoring my body, my boundaries, my intuition.
When this happens though.. I am still nonhuman in dreams. In my dreams I cast my magic. In my dreams, I hide behind a mask for humans, pretending I am one of them, but knowing the outcast that I am. In dreams I just know. In dreams I can act on my nonhuman instincts.
Sometimes when I am going past my limits particularly heavily, I will have feverish dreams where all there is, is the knowledge of being nonhuman. The feeling echoing through an empty hall that is my mind. Easily forgotten when I wake to another intense day.
I am chronically ill and my average normal days are incredibly empty. Devout of enrichment, my mind easily takes the simple path of repetition. Thinking about my nonhumanity over and over. Analyzing, not really my experiences, but my feelings and thoughts. Imagining what could be, what I could be and identities I could have. Sometimes that leads me down wrong paths and questioning the most random things. Or I take my actual experiences and brush through them till all the knots are out and I get a shining glimpse of what is underneath. Puzzle with the pieces of the feelings and experiences that seem to stay with me through everything I question, and try to see a picture in the blur that comes out.
Honestly, I prefer the wild days. The times where everything nonhuman seems to drop to an all time low. Where I easily forget I'm not human at all until I close my eyes for the day. When I am still nonhuman in my dreams.
