Feeling shame
Mar. 25th, 2023 12:00 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nimdreamsI am identifying as a dog therian again. I believe, deep down, I was always a dog. I've imprinted on dogs at a very early age, from before I even have memory. And yet I said I was a fox because "I didn't see myself as a dog, but as a fox". All my therianthropic experiences are dog ones, all my animalistic feelings are dog ones. Yet I said I was a fox and subconsiously believed that was what I was. I was a dog masking as a fox.
The biggest reason for this is shame. I have always felt that I wasn't allowed to be a dog. I had to be a human, act human, interact human, corrected over and over again to be a better human. Even when I accepted and embraced my animal side, media I was into said not to be a dog though. In His Dark Materials, dog dæmons belonged to meakly servants. In Elfquest, where the wild Wolfrider elves had wolfblood in them, dogs were filthy human companions. Humans, an enemy of the elves and therefore dogs an enemy too. So I couldn't be a dog. I had to be something like a fox instead.
Thing is, this isn't news to me. I have gone to dog therian from dog-hearted multiple times and figured this out a few years ago already and yet shame still has a hold of me. It still created a self image as a fox, without any therianthropic reason that I'd be a fox, while pushing dog away. Dogs are amazing. I love them with all my heart, but being a dog? It still feels like a bad thing. I can say "I am a dog therian", but I cannot say "I identify as a dog", it's just too shameful.
I am trying to work through this. It just feels too good to be my true self. Even with the painful shame. I am not sure how I'll do this though. I hope to get support from the community. Seeing other dog therians be happy as themselves, I have hope. Hope that I'll also be able to accept myself and be happy without lasting feelings of shame.
The biggest reason for this is shame. I have always felt that I wasn't allowed to be a dog. I had to be a human, act human, interact human, corrected over and over again to be a better human. Even when I accepted and embraced my animal side, media I was into said not to be a dog though. In His Dark Materials, dog dæmons belonged to meakly servants. In Elfquest, where the wild Wolfrider elves had wolfblood in them, dogs were filthy human companions. Humans, an enemy of the elves and therefore dogs an enemy too. So I couldn't be a dog. I had to be something like a fox instead.
Thing is, this isn't news to me. I have gone to dog therian from dog-hearted multiple times and figured this out a few years ago already and yet shame still has a hold of me. It still created a self image as a fox, without any therianthropic reason that I'd be a fox, while pushing dog away. Dogs are amazing. I love them with all my heart, but being a dog? It still feels like a bad thing. I can say "I am a dog therian", but I cannot say "I identify as a dog", it's just too shameful.
I am trying to work through this. It just feels too good to be my true self. Even with the painful shame. I am not sure how I'll do this though. I hope to get support from the community. Seeing other dog therians be happy as themselves, I have hope. Hope that I'll also be able to accept myself and be happy without lasting feelings of shame.
