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nimdreamsI wrote down some thoughts. Sharing them makes me feel vulnerable, but I wish to put it out there in case it can help one person in any way, even if just to show they're not alone in certain struggles.
Escapism was always a big part of my identity as an elf. I would daydream about my elven life, self insert myself into elven stories, and I never ever told anyone about any of it. Being an elf was a secret, only known to me, something I treasured and kept close. I was afraid of what people would think.
In my daydreams I fought orcs, talked to animals, used magical powers and I always felt so much pride for my elven beauty. I remember a book we had on the wood elves from Warhammer, which I read over and over, flicking through the beautiful illustrations and photos of wood elf models.
I was always quite sure about being a nature elf myself. A wolfrider, a wood elf, a night elf. One with nature, close to all the animals and a shapeshifter taking feline form. I'd see myself walking among the oldest trees and knowing each of them personally. Climbing them and feeling the breeze as I sat between their branches.
I often had a hard time as a kid, but my elven self was my escape. Something no one could take away from me. Until I did myself. As time went by, and I grew older, no longer a teen but a young adult.. still "playing pretend" at being an elf in my own mind. I was harsh on myself, and told myself it was time to leave childhood imagination behind. To accept that I wasn't an elf, but human. I turned my back on a part of myself and started to heavily mask.
It made me physically sick, and years later, when I wanted to fully accept my true self and let me be me again, I didn't know how. I couldn't find my way back to myself.
I still feel like I am wandering. "Not all those who wander are lost", but I do feel lost. And I don't know how to find my way back to myself. I'm not sure if I still can. Am I even an elf still?
With all this self-searching, am I supposed to find something new? Or rediscover old identities that I truly have been all this time, just waiting to resurface. Am I an elf, no matter what I do? Is this something innate that will not change, but grow with me? Is it okay to just.. exist as an elf, in my own way, as my own person?
I don't have the answers, and my relationship with my elven side is fragile. A small, helpless thing that I want to protect and shield. That, part of me, still wants to keep secret and hidden away. Something filled with memories of shame, something that had to be snuffed out. I want to find my pride, and confidence, and an elven community where I feel like I belong, but I feel like an outsider there. Because I am someone still uncertain of claiming my elven heritage, my spot next to my fellow elves.
I don't know how to end this. I am at a loss for words now.
Escapism was always a big part of my identity as an elf. I would daydream about my elven life, self insert myself into elven stories, and I never ever told anyone about any of it. Being an elf was a secret, only known to me, something I treasured and kept close. I was afraid of what people would think.
In my daydreams I fought orcs, talked to animals, used magical powers and I always felt so much pride for my elven beauty. I remember a book we had on the wood elves from Warhammer, which I read over and over, flicking through the beautiful illustrations and photos of wood elf models.
I was always quite sure about being a nature elf myself. A wolfrider, a wood elf, a night elf. One with nature, close to all the animals and a shapeshifter taking feline form. I'd see myself walking among the oldest trees and knowing each of them personally. Climbing them and feeling the breeze as I sat between their branches.
I often had a hard time as a kid, but my elven self was my escape. Something no one could take away from me. Until I did myself. As time went by, and I grew older, no longer a teen but a young adult.. still "playing pretend" at being an elf in my own mind. I was harsh on myself, and told myself it was time to leave childhood imagination behind. To accept that I wasn't an elf, but human. I turned my back on a part of myself and started to heavily mask.
It made me physically sick, and years later, when I wanted to fully accept my true self and let me be me again, I didn't know how. I couldn't find my way back to myself.
I still feel like I am wandering. "Not all those who wander are lost", but I do feel lost. And I don't know how to find my way back to myself. I'm not sure if I still can. Am I even an elf still?
With all this self-searching, am I supposed to find something new? Or rediscover old identities that I truly have been all this time, just waiting to resurface. Am I an elf, no matter what I do? Is this something innate that will not change, but grow with me? Is it okay to just.. exist as an elf, in my own way, as my own person?
I don't have the answers, and my relationship with my elven side is fragile. A small, helpless thing that I want to protect and shield. That, part of me, still wants to keep secret and hidden away. Something filled with memories of shame, something that had to be snuffed out. I want to find my pride, and confidence, and an elven community where I feel like I belong, but I feel like an outsider there. Because I am someone still uncertain of claiming my elven heritage, my spot next to my fellow elves.
I don't know how to end this. I am at a loss for words now.
