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My Awakening
Nov. 2nd, 2021 12:00 amWhen I was around 9 years old, I came across the comics Elfquest in the library with some friends of mine. We all loved this series. The art was beautiful and the characters were enchanting. My friend who was good at art, loved the style and me.. I awakened.
I don't remember much of it since it's such a long time ago. I always felt.. different. I wasn't quite like my peers and they had to teach me a lot about social propriety. When I read the Elfquest comics, I felt a recognition. I was an elf, like them. It was the start of a secret self image, something I had to keep hidden deep within myself and not share with anyone or they'd think I was weird and that would hurt incredibly much as it would be a rejection of my truest self.
I continued to love the Elfquest series and bought any comic parts I could find. But even though the Wolfriders had made me realize I was a feral elf, I also felt like I was different from them. They were half wolves and bound to wolves and even though I went through a wolf phase I knew that it wasn't a part of my self image. So I started looking for my animal half. It must've been a year later maybe when I started to identify as a voself (foxelf).
I can't remember why fox. How that started. It was around the time when Pokémon came out and my favorite was Vulpix a fox pokémon. It could've also been something else, some other way I connected to foxes.
It's really too bad I don't remember it now, I really wonder how voself became such a strong identity of mine. And yet I was always more skeptical about my fox identity, I remember a lifetime of searching for my "real" animal self while continuously landing back on fox and keeping my voself self image.
I really want to focus more on foxes, I need to self reflect and figure out why I keep dismissing them and reclaiming them. There is clearly something there that I should work out.
I continued to have my foxelf identity in the back of my mind as the years went by until I reached my 20s. At this time I was still undiagnosed with my autism and as I grew into adulthood I felt like it was time to stop being childish. To stop viewing myself as non-human, I was a human and I had to start thinking I was one and accept it. I suppressed my foxelf identity and started masking my unknown autism until I literally became so physically and mentally ill that I couldn't continue like that anymore.
I got my autism diagnosis and decided to stop masking and letting myself be my true me. Whoever that was cause I had quite lost myself.
I am still physically ill, chronically, and disabled. My world is very small. But as the years go by, I have become myself again. I'm still learning. Because of the pain and fatigue in my body, I can't really do much in a day but hang around in bed or on the couch. It has given me a lot of time, too much time really, to think about things. And self reflection is good but you also need to live life and have experiences, which is difficult for me in my state. I have at times done too much thinking to the point where I drove myself crazy, wondering who I really was and what labels really fit me. Thinking in negative downward spirals. I'm learning to let go a little now, and to feel more and focus on my body, a place that I have avoided out of fear for my agony.
I have tried to reclaim my foxelf identity a few times since joining the alterhuman community. Using it, but then switching it with other labels. It doesn't matter much what label I use, I am that foxelf child still. But I no longer have to keep it a secret. I am great just the way I am.
I don't remember much of it since it's such a long time ago. I always felt.. different. I wasn't quite like my peers and they had to teach me a lot about social propriety. When I read the Elfquest comics, I felt a recognition. I was an elf, like them. It was the start of a secret self image, something I had to keep hidden deep within myself and not share with anyone or they'd think I was weird and that would hurt incredibly much as it would be a rejection of my truest self.
I continued to love the Elfquest series and bought any comic parts I could find. But even though the Wolfriders had made me realize I was a feral elf, I also felt like I was different from them. They were half wolves and bound to wolves and even though I went through a wolf phase I knew that it wasn't a part of my self image. So I started looking for my animal half. It must've been a year later maybe when I started to identify as a voself (foxelf).
I can't remember why fox. How that started. It was around the time when Pokémon came out and my favorite was Vulpix a fox pokémon. It could've also been something else, some other way I connected to foxes.
It's really too bad I don't remember it now, I really wonder how voself became such a strong identity of mine. And yet I was always more skeptical about my fox identity, I remember a lifetime of searching for my "real" animal self while continuously landing back on fox and keeping my voself self image.
I really want to focus more on foxes, I need to self reflect and figure out why I keep dismissing them and reclaiming them. There is clearly something there that I should work out.
I continued to have my foxelf identity in the back of my mind as the years went by until I reached my 20s. At this time I was still undiagnosed with my autism and as I grew into adulthood I felt like it was time to stop being childish. To stop viewing myself as non-human, I was a human and I had to start thinking I was one and accept it. I suppressed my foxelf identity and started masking my unknown autism until I literally became so physically and mentally ill that I couldn't continue like that anymore.
I got my autism diagnosis and decided to stop masking and letting myself be my true me. Whoever that was cause I had quite lost myself.
I am still physically ill, chronically, and disabled. My world is very small. But as the years go by, I have become myself again. I'm still learning. Because of the pain and fatigue in my body, I can't really do much in a day but hang around in bed or on the couch. It has given me a lot of time, too much time really, to think about things. And self reflection is good but you also need to live life and have experiences, which is difficult for me in my state. I have at times done too much thinking to the point where I drove myself crazy, wondering who I really was and what labels really fit me. Thinking in negative downward spirals. I'm learning to let go a little now, and to feel more and focus on my body, a place that I have avoided out of fear for my agony.
I have tried to reclaim my foxelf identity a few times since joining the alterhuman community. Using it, but then switching it with other labels. It doesn't matter much what label I use, I am that foxelf child still. But I no longer have to keep it a secret. I am great just the way I am.
